Tuesday, February 23, 2016

These People Came To Stowe, Went Skiing, Then Jumped Into A Hot Tub. What Happened Next Will Blow You Away! 9 Misconceptions About The 2016 Winter In Stowe.

The Greek chorus of popular media has once again built up a head of steam that rational people all over the world must beat back with facts and common sense and regular attendance in a hot tub. So despite what flatlanders and Donald Trump are crowing about his winter, here are some popular fallacies about the winter of 2016, and the reality of how things really are in Stowe this winter.

Misconception #1: Vermont Golf Courses Have No Tee Times Available Because Golf Courses In Vermont Are Lush And Green And Are Playing Like TPC At Sawgrass And Everybody Is Playing Golf. Snow golf, maybe, but that requires the suspension of disbelief and lots of Vermont craft beer, like Trapp Family Lager’s Dunkel. FYI golf is NOT the new skiing.


Misconception #2: Stowe’s Ski Slopes Are Being Used To Graze Cattle. They are not. Cattle—plodding, lurching, cud-chewing—could never negotiate the bumps of Gulch, or the headwall on Hayride, because there are moguls on Gulch, and the headwall on Hayride is just as much fun to drop over this year as any other. If cattle tried that there would be a ground beef party at The Den in the Mansfield Base Lodge.

* The corollary to this is that there is grass on the slopes, but to find it you will have to climb into a gondola with a gang of dreadlocked snowboarders or aging baby boomers, who are anticipating the legalization of marijuana in Vermont.

Misconception #3: It Is Possible To Fly-Fish In Vermont This Winter. This is false. This winter, fishing still requires an auger, an ice hut, and a case of PBRs. That’s because the lakes are all frozen, and the reason they are frozen is that it is winter in Vermont, the time when water traditionally freezes. The exception to this is water occupied by the Hot Tub People. Their water is significantly warmer, allowing them to relax and laugh at the elements while they enjoy Vermont’s finest craft beers, such as Idletyme’s Doubletyme DIPA.

Misconception #4: Our Plow Drivers Have Filed For Unemployment. These hardworking Vermonters? Never! They would sooner plow up the asphalt than shirk their duties as snow saviors.

* This challenges the fallacy that visits to the ER due to chest pains (from shoveling snow) and broken legs (from shoveling snow off the roof, then falling) are down. Our health care professionals assure us that Vermonters are maiming themselves due to snow at a pace commensurate with previous winters.

Misconception #5: People Are Drinking Beer Outside. It’s winter, and the only people drinking beer outside are the scofflaws who have snuck a pint out of Doc Ponds, Rimrocks, Piecasso, the Matterhorn, or any of our other fine and numerous drinking establishments. The exception to this is the Hot Tub People. The Hot Tub People always drink beer outside because they are sitting in one of Stowe’s many jetted tub options, which are 104 degrees, allowing revelers to sip Vermont’s fine craft beers (like the Alchemist’s Heady Topper) without freezing to death.


Misconception #6: Stowe’s Cross Country Ski Trails Are Being Used To Film The Jungle Sequences In The Upcoming Film Alien vs. Predator XLVIII. Since a lot of our snow has been in the elevations this year, and since most of our XC trails exceed those elevations…well, just ask the Hot Tub People, who like nothing better after a day on our XC ski trails than to relax in hot bubbly water and watch Alien vs. Predator XLVIII on their mobile devices while they sip one of Vermont’s fine craft beers, like the Vermonster from Rock Art Brewery.


Misconception #7: It’s Raining. Nope. Just checked.

Misconception #8: Since I Can See Grass In My Back Yard, Winter Is Over. Wrong again! Winter is far from over in Stowe. In fact, March is historically our snowiest month. Plus, there’s that whole “The-Universe-Hates-Imbalance” philosophy-thingy, which means that we are in for a snow-whoopin’ in March. The days will be longer, the temperatures milder, and the Hot Tub People rowdier, because by March they will have spent almost four months in watery therapeutic bliss, quaffing our outstanding Vermont craft beers, like Lost Nation Brewery’s Vermont Pilsner.


Misconception #9: People Are Walking Around Naked Because It’s So Warm Out. Wishful thinking! No, we are all bundled against the weather up here—all of us, that is, except the Hot Tub People, who are getting a talking-to from the Stowe Police Department for their lack of clothing, while they frolic in the hot water of Stowe’s numerous hot tubs and imbibe offerings from our local distilleries Green Mountain Distillers and Smugglers’ Notch Distillery. Look for them in the police blotter next week.

 


So throw off the shackles of misconception that the super-pac hungry media overlords have tried to foist upon you about the reality of winter in Vermont. Rest assured that we are skiing, drinking beer, and soaking in the hot tub.